The Obama Christmas Carol

Here is a satirical version of the Obama version of the Christmas Carol.

Act I
On a frigid, foggy Christmas Eve in Washington D.C., a shrewd, mean-spirited cheapskate named Barack Hussein Obama works meticulously in his counting-house. Outside the office creaks a little sign reading "Obama and Davis"—Frank Marshall Davis, Obama's business partner when he was a drug dealer, has died twenty-two years previous. Inside the office, Obama watches over his clerk, a poor diminutive man named John Michael McHugh. The smoldering ashes in the fireplace provide little heat even for John's tiny room. Despite the harsh weather Obama refuses to pay for another lump of coal to warm the office because that would increase his carbon footprint and be bad for the planet.
Suddenly, a ruddy-faced young man bursts into the office offering holiday greetings and an exclamatory, "Merry Christmas!" The young man is Obama's jovial press secretary Robert Gibbs who has stopped by to invite Obama to Christmas dinner. The grumpy Obama responds with a "Bah! Humbug!" "Whatever we once were, we're no longer a Christian nation. At least not just. We are also a Jewish nation, a Muslim nation, and a Buddhist nation, and a Hindu nation, and a nation of nonbelievers," say Happy Holidays or I will have to arrest you for a hate crime under my new hate crimes law refusing to share in Gibbs's Christmas cheer. After Gibbs departs, a pair of portly gentlemen enters the office to ask Obama for a charitable donation to help the poor. Obama angrily replies that ACORN and Trinity United Church of Christ are the only charities he is willing to support and the gentlemen leave empty-handed. Obama confronts John Michael McHugh, complaining about John's wish to take a day off for the holiday. "What good is Christmas," Obama snipes, "that it should shut down business or more importantly government?" He begrudgingly agrees to give John a day off but insists that he arrive at the office all the earlier the next day.
Obama follows the same old routine, having dinner with his wife in his usual tavern and returning home through the dismal, fog-blanketed air on air force one in Washington D.C. Just before entering his house, the doorknocker on his front door, the same door he has passed through twice a d ay for his many years, catches his attention. A ghostly image in the curves of the knocker gives the old man a momentary shock: It is the peering face of Frank Marshall Davis. When Obama takes a second re-focused look, he sees nothing but a doorknocker. With a disgusted "Pooh-pooh," Obama opens the door and trudges into his bleak quarters. He makes little effort to brighten his home: "darkness is cheap besides I want a small carbon footprint unless the taxpayers pay for it, and Obama liked it." As he plods up the wide staircase, Obama, in utter disbelief, sees a locomotive hearse climbing the stairs beside him.
After rushing to his room, Obama locks the door behind him and puts on his dressing gown. As he eats his gruel before the fire, the carvings on his mantelpiece suddenly transform into images of Frank Marshall Davis's face. Obama, determined to dismiss the strange visions, blurts out "Humbug!" All the bells in the room fly up from the tables and begin to ring sharply. Obama hears footsteps thumping up the stairs. A ghostly figure floats through the closed door-- Frank Marshall Davis, transparent and bound in chains.
Obama shouts in disbelief, refusing to admit that he sees Davis's ghost--a strange case of food poisoning, he claims. The ghost begins to murmur: He has spent twenty-two years wandering the Earth in his heavy chains as punishment for his sins. Obama looks closely at the chains and realizes that the links are forged of cashboxes, padlocks, ledgers, hammers and sickles. The wraith tells Obama that he has come from beyond the grave to save him from this very fate. He says that Obama will be visited by three spirits over the next three nights--the first two appearing at one o'clock in the morning and the final spirit arriving at the last stroke of midnight. He rises and backs toward the window, which opens almost magically, leaving a trembling Obama white with fear and looks in the mirror and says AHH Oh Marx I look like a typical white person. The ghost gestures to Obama to look out the window, and Obama complies. Davis says I was wrong there really is a God and he wants you to be generous with your own money not other people’s money. Obama says I just blame Bush for the failed policies of the last eight years. He sees a throng of spirits, each bound in chains. They wail about their failure to lead honorable, caring lives and their inability to reach out to others in need as they and Davis disappear into the mist. Obama stumbles to his bed and falls instantly asleep.
Act II
Obama awakes at midnight, which leaves him baffled--it was well after two a.m. when he went to bed. Initially, he thinks he has slept through an entire day or that it's actually noon and the sun has merely gone under some sort of cover. He suddenly remembers the words of Davis's ghost. The first of the three spirits will arrive at one o'clock. Frightened, Obama decides to wait for his supernatural visitor.
At one o'clock, the curtains of Obama's bed are blown aside by a strange, childlike figure emanating an aura of wisdom and a richness of experience (and no it’s no Hillary Clinton or John McCain). The spirit uses a cap to cover the light that glows from its head. The specter softly informs Obama that she is the Ghost of Christmas Past (Obama’s grandmother) and orders the mesmerized man to rise and walk with him. The spirit touches Obama's heart, granting him the ability to fly. The pair exits through the window.
The ghost transports Obama to Coast Provincial Hospital in Mombasa, Kenya and Ghost of Christmas Past says I remember being in the delivery room in Kenya when you were born it is quite a fond memory. Then the Ghost of Christmas Past transports him to the countryside where he was raised. He sees his old school in Jakarta, Indonesia, his childhood mates, and familiar landmarks of his youth. Touched by these memories, Obama begins to sob. The ghost takes the weeping man into the school where a solitary boy--a young Barry Soetoro as listed on his school records that indicate he was an Indonesian citizen--passes the Christmas holiday all alone since he was a Muslim. The ghost takes Obama on a depressing tour of more Christmases of the past--the boy in the schoolhouse grows older. At last, a little girl, Obama's half-sister Maya, runs into the room, and announces that she has come to take Obama home. Their father is a wife beater, she says. He has given his consent to Barry's return. The young Barry, delighted to see his sister, embraces her joyfully. The aged Obama regretfully tells the ghost that his mother allegedly died many years ago and is the mother of his sister Maya.
The ghost escorts Obama to more Christmases of the past including a merry party thrown by Jerry Kellman, the merchant with whom Obama apprenticed as a young man as a communist organizer (I mean community organizer). She even shows him when he started his political career in the home of the unrepentant terrorist William Ayers home. Obama later sees a slightly older yet still boyish version of himself in conversation with a lovely young man named Larry Sinclair. He is breaking off their relationship crying that his lust for power has corrupted the love that used to impassion Obama's heart. The spirit takes Obama to a more recent Christmas scene where a middle-aged Obama reminisces with his friend about his former partner, Sinclair. The man, Larry Sinclair, says that Obama is now "quite alone in the world." The older Obama can no longer bear the gripping visions. He begs the Ghost of Christmas Past to take him back, back to his home. Tormented and full of despair, Obama seizes the ghost's hat and pulls it firmly over top of the mystical child's head, dimming the light. As the inextinguishable, luminous rays flood downward onto the ground, Obama finds himself zipped back in his bedroom, where he stumbles to bed yet again and falls asleep immediately.
Act III
The church clock strikes one, startling Obama, who awakes in mid-snore. Glad to be awake, he hopes to confront the second spirit just as it arrives. The echoes of the church bell fade, however, and no ghost appears. Somewhat disappointed, Obama waits for 15 minutes after which a bright light begins to stream down upon him. Curious and a bit befuddled, Obama pads into the other room where he finds the second spirit waiting for him to show him the world after he eats all his food.
The figure, a majestic giant clad in green robes, sits atop a throne made of a gourmet feast. In a booming voice, the spirit announces himself as the Ghost of Christmas Present (Al Gore of course the robes are “green”). He tells Obama that he has more than 1800 brothers because polar bears are my brothers and his lifespan is a mere single day more because the sea level will rise twenty feet in 24 hours even though global temperatures are declining. The spirit orders Scrooge to touch his robe. Upon doing so, the feast and the room vanish instantly and Obama finds himself alongside the spirit in the midst of the bustling city on Christmas morning. Blissful passersby take pleasure in the wondrous sights and smells abounding through the shop doors. People merrily shovel snow, tote bags of presents, and greet one another with a cheery "Merry Christmas!"
The spirit then takes Obama to the meager home of John Michael McHugh, where Mrs. McHugh and her children prepare a Christmas goose and savor the few Christmas treats they can afford. The oldest daughter, Martha, returns from her job at a milliner's. The oldest son, Peter, wears a stiff-collared shirt, a hand-me-down from his father. John comes in carrying the crippled young tyke, Tiny Tim, on his shoulders. The family is more than content despite its skimpy Christmas feast. Obama begs to know whether Tiny Tim will survive. The spirit replies that given the current conditions in the McHugh house, there will inevitably be an empty chair at next year's Christmas dinner because of your healthcare plan that passed the House of Representatives by a vote of 220-215. Obama responds “What do I care he’s just a typical white person and that will be one less person to put in my camps when I become dictator. Anyway if my healthcare plan passes he will get free care he will just have to wait years to get it.”
The spirit takes Obama to a number of other Christmas gatherings, including the festivities of an isolated community of miners and a party aboard a ship. He also takes Obama to Gibb's Christmas party, where Obama looses himself in the numerous party games and has a wildly entertaining time, though none of the party guests can actually see him. As the night unfolds, the ghost grows older. At last, Obama and the ghost come to a vast and desolate expanse. Here, the ghost shows Obama a pair of starving children who travel with him beneath his robes--their names are Ignorance and Want. Obama inquires if nothing can be done to help them after all these children are black and I need their votes by 2012 or 2016. Mockingly, the ghost quotes Obama's earlier retort, "Are there no ACORN? Are there no Trinity United Church of Christ?"
The spirit disappears as the clock strikes midnight and Scrooge eyes a hooded phantom coming toward him.
Act IV
The phantom, a menacing figure clad in a black hooded robe, approaches Obama. Obama involuntarily kneels before him and asks if he is the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. The phantom does not answer, and Obama squirms in terror. Still reeling from the revelatory experiences with the last two spirits, Obama pleads with the ghost to share his lesson, hopeful that he may avoid the fate of his deceased partner.
The ghost takes Obama to a series of strange places: the New York Stock Exchange, where a group of businessmen discuss the death of a rich man; a dingy pawn shop in a Washington D.C. slum, where a group of vagabonds and shady characters sell some personal effects stolen from a dead man; the dinner table of a poor family, where a husband and wife express relief at the death of an unforgiving man to whom they owed money; and the McHugh household is no longer with us, where the citizens of the world struggle to cope with the death of all the white people, Christians, Republicans, conservatives and anyone else who dared to get caught speaking out against Obama was killed by the Planned Parenthood abortion clinics all the way up to the 483rd trimester for the Obama death camps had no survivors after 2059 but what do you expect from a man who will not protect babies that survive abortion. He then invaded Canada, Europe, New Zealand and Australia to complete his goal of exterminating all the Christians and white people. Then Obama realized Africa had a significant Christian population and made a deal with the Kenyan government they would permanently destroy all records of his Kenyan birth so he wouldn’t have to invade them too. He forced all the other countries to hand over any Christian, white person or political opponents so they would not get nuked and he finally completed his goal of exterminating all the Christians and all the white people on October 31st, 2059 at 3 a.m. when Obama picked up the phone and had the last Christian who was also the last white person and Obama said take that Hillary I was ready to pick up the phone when it rang at 3a.m.. The result was a stock market crash down to 3,425.07 and headed lower and lower from the 2023 peak of 13,978.01. Massive hyperinflation finally resulted so Obama enacted wage and price controls so unemployment skyrocketed from 57.6% with underemployment at 74.1% all the way up to 97.4% with underemployment at 98.8% but since 3,905,982 people were still employed by government and 94,018 people were employed by the politicians that sucked America dry so Obama claims he kept his campaign promise to save or create 4 million jobs. The national debt reached $15,980 trillion. Food and water shortages also resulted since the productive members of society had already been killed. The infrastructure collapsed and crime skyrocketed so much Obama was no longer the biggest criminal in the world. Obama begs to know the identity of the dead man, exasperated in his attempts to understand the lesson of the silent ghost. Suddenly, he finds himself in a grave where a churchyard had been before Christianity was outlawed in 2026 where the spirit points him toward a freshly dug grave. Obama approaches the grave and reads the inscription on the headstone: BARROCK OSAMA. Osama es su immigrant. 19?? –June 6th, 2066 Obama asked “Why is my name spelled wrong?” ,“Why is my name in Spanish?” and why are they admitting I’m an immigrant like Bill Richardson did.. He didn’t even need his teleprompter to ask that question. The spirit shows him a court ruling in 2018 ruled that the language that an employee speaks or their education level should not be a barrier due to employment since that would be a hate crime.
Appalled, Obama clutches at the spirit and begs him to undo the events of his nightmarish vision. He promises to honor my faith again from deep within his heart and to live by the moralizing lessons of Past, Present, and Future. The spirit's hand begins to tremble, and, as Obama continues to cry out for mercy, the phantom's robe shrinks and collapses. Obama, again, finds himself returned to the relative safety of his own bed.
Act V
Obama, ungrateful for a second chance at his life, sings the praises of the spirits and of Frank Marshall Davis so he blamed the Bush administration for the spirits. Upon realizing he has been returned to Christmas morning, Obama begins shouting "Happy Holidays!" at the top of his lungs wishing it were Ramadan so he could practice his Muslim faith better. Genuinely overjoyed and bubbling with excitement, Obama barely takes time to dress and dances while he shaves but then he realizes I show grow a beard to be a good Muslim. In a blur, Obama runs into the street and offers to pay the first boy he meets a huge sum to deliver a great Muslim prayer rug to John Michael McHugh’s. He meets one of the portly gentlemen who earlier sought charity for the poor and apologizes for his previous rudeness, promising to donate huge sums of money to the poor as long as they give it all to the CAIR, ACORN and don’t give any to my half-brother living in Kenya where I was … ah I mean he was born. He attends Gibb's Christmas party and radiates such heartfelt bliss knowing that one day his plan to exterminate all the conservatives, Republicans, Christians, political opponents and white people will one day succeed and that they have that the other guests can hardly manage to swallow their shock at his surprising behavior.
The following morning, Obama arrives at the office early and assumes a very stern expression when John Michael McHugh enters eighteen and a half minutes late. John Michael McHugh, feigning disgust, begins to scold John, before suddenly announcing his plans to give John Michael McHugh a large raise of $5,000 dollars worth of carbon credits a year and assist his troubled family with other people’s taxpayer money of course. John is stunned, but Obama promises to stay true to his word and he actually means it for a change.
As time passes, Obama is as good as his word: He tries to make the McHugh’s to be Muslim but they insist on being Christian and becomes a second father to Tiny Tim who does still die as predicted in the ghost's ominous vision under his healthcare plan. Many people in the United States of America are puzzled by Obama's behavior, but Obama merely laughs off their suspicions and doubts and tells them they will be charged with a hate crime if they oppose Shari ‘a law. Obama brings a little of the Ramadan spirit into every day, respecting the lessons of Islam more than any man alive with the Islamic call to prayer at the Whitehouse, honor killings, a tax for non-Muslims and polygamy for Muslims only because Obama has regained his Muslim faith because he wants 72 virgins in heaven. Obama laughs and thinks to himself my plan for exterminating people I don’t like will work Christians and white people will be no more and I will live to see and enjoy it for nearly seven years. Thank Allah those Republicans are throwing everything at me except my lack of eligibility if only they tried that I’d be doomed. The narrator concludes the story by saying that Obama's words and thoughts should be feared by of all of us ... "and so, as Obama supporters from Hamas observed, Allah bless us, Every one unless you are infidel then you must be stoned to death!"
Sources:
http://www.sparknotes.com/lit/christmascarol/section1.rhtml
http://www.sparknotes.com/lit/christmascarol/section2.rhtml
http://www.sparknotes.com/lit/christmascarol/section3.rhtml
http://www.sparknotes.com/lit/christmascarol/section4.rhtml
http://www.sparknotes.com/lit/christmascarol/section5.rhtml
http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=79467
http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=67735
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r8gnmUyminI
http://www.wnd.com/index.php?fa=PAGE.view&pageId=115064
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWTs1YyhFRg
http://www.rockymountainnews.com/news/2008/aug/25/obamas-mentor-chicago-shares-his-story/
http://commonsensepoliticalthought.com/?p=3666
http://www.lewrockwell.com/lott/lott59.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9CyYnBA_CY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XKGdkqfBICw
http://www.suntimes.com/news/1119352,CST-NWS-brother21.article
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7yr7odFUARg
http://www.newsmax.com/insidecover/Hamas_Endorses_Obama/2008/04/17/88754.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2moOiS0sAGg&feature=related